Lessons from Ladies in Noir B-Films: How to Get a Man to Marry You

I saw Angel Face and The Hunted at the Noir City Film Festival this weekend, and learned some handy tips from the femme fatales in the movies.


How to get the man you want to marry you:
Step 1. Attempt to murder your stepmother.
Step 2. Slap the ambulance driver who shows up to help, then stalk him after he gets off work.
Step 3. Take ambulance driver's girlfriend out to lunch and attempt to bribe or intimidate her.
Step 4. Hire ambulance driver as your chauffeur.
Step 5. Attempt to elope with your new chauffeur. This will not work, but make sure you leave your suitcase in his room.
Step 6. Murder your father and stepmother, making it look like an accident.
Step 7. When you and the chauffeur are charged with murder, get your lawyer to insist that the two of you get married as a tactic to warm the hearts of the jury.

Ta da! Now you're hitched. Oh, and if he tries to leave you, insist on driving him to the bus station. But instead, drive your sports car off a cliff with the two of you in it. Don't forget the champagne!

Roundup of Interesting Ocean News

Oceanic "Garbage Patch" not nearly as big as portrayed in media
While descriptions of a swirling plastic patch "twice the size of Texas" are dramatic and likely to increase public awareness, it's more important to be accurate. However, the more accurate picture isn't exactly hopeful. More research needs to be done to determine what exactly are the effects of plastic on the ocean (ingestion by filter feeders, transport of invasive species, leeching of chemicals, microbial colonization of plastic particles, etc.), but that's science for you. More research needed.

Rock-Chewing Sea Urchins Have Self-Sharpening Teeth
I love going down to the tidepools and checking them out. Plus they chew through rock! And their mouth parts are called an Aristotle's Lantern. Sea urchins are just cool, period.

Climate secrets of Marianas Trench probed
It's important to remember that the ocean has a huge effect on the global climate.

How Jellyfish Can Improve Wind Farms
This is one of my favorites, because the potential for biology to inform technology is so exciting.

I judge you when you misspell job postings.

Retail Shop of Horrors

Jezebel brought to my attention to this horrible tidbit found in a Cosmo magazine (Cosmo Recommends Harassing Retail Employees):

"GET A REFUND WITHOUT A RECEIPT: First, try simply telling the clerk you have a return and hand over the goods. If he's a rookie, he may not ask for the receipt. If he does, tell him you don't have it but you'd be happy with store credit instead. Still no luck? Raise your voice so that other shoppers can hear, and say "I spend a lot of money here, but if you can't help me, I'll take my business elsewhere." He may change his tune since he won't want others to be put off by your fit."

The comments on the article are full of retail horror story catharsis. I can tell you from my own retail experience the instant any customer becomes rude and raises his/her voice, any desire I had to help them instantly evaporates. Chances are my manager is going to back me up, and I'm quite content to let you yell and make a fool of yourself while the other customers behind you in line think, "Christ, what an asshole."

Some gems from the comments:

"At my last job, when someone would make a fuss we would take them to the back of the store to show them all our exclusive items. They even left through a secret exclusive door."

"Laws of the retail universe: 1) We always know the customers who spend a lot of money, especially in smaller stores and 2) regular customers never seem to be the ones who pull that crap"

"I remember one woman who came in with her 3 kids. The oldest, a girl of about 15, comes up while her mom is putting her stuff down at the table and orders a mocha. sure, no problem, I make it. Then her mom saunters up, and looks at me disdainfully.

"What's this?"
"A mocha m'am, your daughter just ordered it."
(dripping with condecension)"Well, does it have caffeine in it?"
"Well....yes, a little"
"She can't have caffeine(as if I should be intimately aware of this), make me one without it"

I am somewhat flustered, because this is a 4 dollar drink that I now have to pour down the sink-- unless we mess an order up, customers are supposed to pay for drinks if we make them. But I can tell she's a pill and I don't want a fight so I kind of shrug and go to knock out the espresso into the trashcan to pull another shot (if you've worked in a cafe, you know what I mean), at which point the woman loudly informs her children that I am "Not treating her well" and that they are leaving the establishment. She informed me that I didn't have to bang the espresso thing down (which actually I do) and that my customer service was terrible. I was about to leave the job anyway, and if I hadn't felt sorry for the daughter who ordered the drink (who was basically in tears at this point) I probably would have told the woman exactly what I thought of her snotty ass."

"screaming about how much you spend with the store or that you're never coming back never meant anything to me. Why should it? I'm not an investor. I get paid the same crappy amount of money no matter how many repeat customers come in that day."

"Wow. So what I've learned from this Cosmo piece, a number of the comments here, and 15+ years in retail is that a surprising number of people are rude, entitled, lying assholes.

Be polite. Be clear. Be... not a bitch. Follow the rules. Most times, you'll get what you want. And if you do feel like you need to be a huge tantrum-throwing, "I'll take my business elsewhere" bag of dicks, don't turn around and brag about it on the internet. No one admires you or thinks you're the #1 gold star shopping queen. You're a bratty, spoiled, entitled fuckwad. Do the world a favor and shop online."

And the same goes for waitstaff, bartenders, etc. Be nice. I am so glad my holiday retail job is over.

Now you can't get this song out of your head